Sunday, July 31, 2011

Kurt Vonnegut (excusemysemi-obsessionbutIreallydojustlovehimalot) said, "I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

So today I was in the car in some cute black heels with two of my beautiful best friends in the front seat talking happily and perfect music playing and blue skies all around and I thought to myself, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

And then I sat at a farewell and got all teary-eyed while I listened to a little boy crying so sweetly with the spirit and a beautiful talk on love and I thought to myself, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

And I walked a bit under an umbrella in the rain and went to family dinner and laughed with my grandparents and took a nice little nap and read for a while in bed and got a perfect email and sat on a swing overlooking our pretty little valley all aglow with lights and two really cool people on either side talking about real things and my hands nicely occupied. And then I came home and had a big piece of peach pie from the neighbors. And I thought to myself all the while, "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

Make happiness a priority. Or at least exclaim it or murmur or think it when it comes your way. "If this isn't nice, I don't know what is."

We're golden, and we're damn funny too.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

Jane sang like a bird.

When I lay in the rain this morning I wished I was a window. I love windows streaked with rain. My skin was laced prettily with the water, but rain looks better on glass.

When you don't sleep every thing feels like a dream. I don't mind it, the hazy sleep/wakefulness. I embrace confusion like an old friend. If you're mind didn't have things to toy with and figure out then things would be dull anyway. I'd rather have cardiac arrest over something important than sheer boredom over nothing at all. Sometimes things are prettier through sleepy eyes. Sometimes things make sense while half awake that are puzzling come morning. Sometimes I wake up and smile and think "WHAT?" Sometimes I wish there weren't so many people around to disturb and be disturbed.

Another reason I wish I was a window is so people would be more careful; glass is fragile. I like being held like I'm fragile, too.

What are you thinking?

Friday, July 29, 2011

I clung desperately to every word they said like the words were stars and I was dangling somewhere in the middle of the universe. I liked when they talked just as much as when they sang.

"I see stars. Look up, does anybody see stars?"

"Alexander, do you ever feel like you're dreaming? And you'll wake up and say, I just had the craziest dream.
And where will you wake up?
Anywhere, maybe Venus."

"People have to watch each other."

"Let's change the words here and everybody sing along:
Home, yes we are home/ Home is whenever I'm with you."

"Thank you everyone, and thank you for thanking us."

What a perfect day in Salt Lake City for a concert in the park. What perfect people to be YOU.

We were made of glass.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

A little lonely rampage
danced through my wartorn head
and loudly, with fanfare
left my parted lips
and fell quietly in to yours
"I'm tough" I said,
he laughed
"You're warm blooded."

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Here's goes nothing.

Lately I've been conducting extensive research and spending hours on in depth analysis and have, proudly, come up with the following...

On the Science of Teenage Attraction (and Ensuing Interaction):

These things just don't make any sense.

The end has no end.

Monday, July 25, 2011

I dare you to listen to this and NOT dance:

Foster the People- Houdini

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Well well well, you again.

Happy morning everyone, and happy summer too. I have this theory for summer that if I take every chance I get to just go do something or be somewhere then I'll be happy. I don't quite know the difference between happy and busy, but at least I'm distracted.

I want to lay down on a blanket and look at stars with someone. Doesn't that sound nice? I have a hard time appreciating something so beautiful by myself. It's like when I'm watching TV alone on the couch and I forget and laugh out loud and make comments out loud, too. When I'm looking at the stars I like to talk about them. I feel like if I can attempt to express then I can ease that great weight on my chest that nature brings. Stars and sunsets make me want to be next to someone. I like that nature inspires company.

I look at something and it's too beautiful and I don't know what to do with it. So I talk about it. Don't mention cameras to me at a time like this; they never quite capture what you can see when your there.

"&" not "and".

Friday, July 22, 2011

That tight morning
where sleep tethers you to the bed
sprawled and aching, holding
to whats quickly sifting away to
plague some other misinterpreted daydream
or spark an ethereal deja vu
that catches you and spins you around, gently
to face all that has been done and

is now thundering back towards you

with a roar like applause
and force like a freight train,
lumbering and clumsy with its contents
that are spilling loudly over the sides like

the time you poured the orange juice
into it's crystalline glass
and it overflowed and stained the white carpet orange but
still cured the morning sickness you were so afraid of
the sickness we've all inspired since before we were born.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I'm hungry and it's 1 am.

...which brings me to my main point.

Which I have by this time forgotten.

It has nothing to do with you but everything to do with that thing you did.

But you ARE what you DO, aren't you?

You are what you eat, that's for sure.

"Don't go. I'll eat you up; I love you so."

(emphasis on the E-A-T).

Would you like a fry to go with that shake?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Happy Christmas, Harry

It's like an empty feeling, a really big and empty feeling. Imagine a hole in the ground, like a trap, with a picnic cloth spread over it. And waiting for someone to walk by and (perhaps hoping for a picnic) stumble onto the cloth and into the hole and feeling up that empty feeling. When in reality it's still merely a hole with a person in it.

People take up space and make each other feel less empty.

I don't think that's a bad thing, as long as you know a lot of people. Or if you take up a lot of space inside the emptiness of someone else.

Oh bother.
I gingerly side stepped the hole in my chest
my hands clasped in my lap
the melancholy ring
from all the sad music you gave me
slipped on my little finger.

Chaos turned cold and then settled
like dust
which puffed and lingered after your feet
and consoled me, strangely, as something
in this tangle of nothing at all.

We were so full of what we eventually lost
that night I forgot my words
as they fell from my mouth and
slipped through the phone where
I trusted you, blindly, to remember.

The earth sagged with all the tired weight
an insult to what was real.
The CD skipped
I tripped
the ground rolled away like the river.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

July something or other

Once I got a fortune cookie at a little Chinese restaurant and the fortune inside read:

"The harder the fall, the higher the bounce."

And then God was laughing up in heaven looking down on me. Or perhaps it was some deceased ancient Chinese philosopher chuckling to himself. Or even just the person across the table, puzzled.

I'm a firm believer in all sorts of random luck. Fate has funny little ways of coming up on you and surprising you from behind, or from the inside of a cookie, I guess.

Do the D-A-N-C-E, 1234 fight.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

"It's the tragedy of loving, you can't love anything more than something you miss."
- Jonathan Safran Foer

Maybe. Maybe the tragedy of loving is that it involves so much damn tragedy.

There's something about sadness, and it's beauty. Isn't sadness pretty? Or taking something sad and turning it into something beautiful
and sad. There's something so clean and raw that sadness offers. Think Romeo and Juliet.

"Is there no pity sitting in the clouds that sees into the bottom of my grief?"

"There on the ground with his own tears made drunk."

Sadness is universal, perhaps even more so than happiness might be. We can all commiserate. It binds people up just as strongly as it pulls people apart.

"She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous strands, appreciating its subtle nuances. She was a prism through which sadness could be divided into its infinite spectrum."
-Jonathan Safran Foer (again)

"I wanted to cry but I didn't, I probably should have cried, I should have drowned us there in the room ending our suffering."
- (and again)

Sad songs, I think, are the prettiest.

I'm not sad all the time, not even close. Nor do I think anyone should be sad all the time. I just think it's beautiful sometimes, sadness is.

Well there's not much to see, actually, were inside a Chinese dragon.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Are we still two of a kind?

My current "fallingasleep"/Idon'tsleep play list.

The Real of It- Said the Whale
Kelton- Desert Noises
Uprooted- The Antlers
Rivers and Roads- The Head and the Heart
Ghost Town- First Aid Kit
Time Flies- Lykke Li

And I said, "...I'm sorry, I no longer speak in anything but songs."

Sunday, July 10, 2011

I have nothing worth saying right now, but the Cold War Kids seem to.

"Skip the Charades"

You wait on letters
Patient for any sign of life
Drinks after dinner
Your friends will get you to unwind

Let's skip the charades
Can we just speak plain?

I'm two left feet when
I'm home we tap-dance on broken glass
Somehow you managed
To keep your sense of humor intact

Let's skip the charades
You're seeing right through me anyway
Can we just speak plain?
We're playing for the same team
But I'm the one that's acting like
Acting like, acting like
I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like
Acting like, acting like
Nothing's wrong

You dodged the bullet
You do your best when you're busiest
But you're disconnected
You can't find your name in the script

It was you who were wildest
It was you who floated above us all
I held on with wires
Will you come back down if I let you go?

Let's skip the charades
You're seeing right through me anyway
Can we just speak plain?
We're playing for the same team
But I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong
I'm the one that's acting like I'm so strong
You're the one that's acting like nothing's wrong

Can we skip the charades?
Just speak plain

I gave up on sleep last Tuesday.

This came to me as I typed.

I wanted to tangle myself into you
and all over you
like paint
or swirl about you
like smoke
and enter you
like the same
and carve myself on your insides
and play at your heart strings
and sing too
with your vocal chords
and laugh
with the same.

Thursday, July 7, 2011


I have a fear of becoming too specific. Too focused solely on what's out there that has to do with what's right here. Oh gosh, there are so much bigger things. Naturally, I talk and think about things I know, but what a small slice of the big wide universe that is.

There's so much to KNOW. There's so much to think about. I feel that my brain and the world are inversely proportional. The more in the world there is to know the less my brain seems able to actually contain. It's a scary feeling, but a nice one too. It's so overwhelming there's hardly a need to swim out and above. It feels nice to drown in it all, sometimes.

"The universe is no narrow thing and the order within it is not constrained by any latitude in its conception to repeat what exists in one part in any other part. Even in this world more things exist without our knowledge than with it and the order in creation which you see is that which you have put there, like a string in a maze, so that you shall not lose your way. For existence has its own order and that no man’s mind can compass, that mind itself being but a fact among others."

There I go again, quoting McCarthy and rambling about the universe.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


And I have a whole lot of things to say.

Tonight I visited a cemetery (field of stone).

And you know too.'s word of the day:

1.difficulty determining the truth of an idea due to
equally valid arguments for and against it.
2. In rhetoric, the expression of a simulated or real
doubt, as about where
to begin or what to do or say.

WHAT? Does know my life?

I'm constantly finding little clues in random ways. Maybe not clues, things that specifically RELATE. Someone will have written down a certain name in the bathroom stall. Or we learn about it in the bible. Or I will look at the clock and it will be 1:06, 6 being my lucky number. Sometimes universal truths come up in casual conversation or on or in a weird animal planet documentary. Pay attention, cause there's things talking to you all over the place. It adds more pieces to the puzzle, really.

Old habits die hard.

Monday, July 4, 2011

(From a year or so ago)

Barrels of guns

The heavy words dripped from your mouth
and landed in a pool at my feet.
If only I could dive into that pool
if only you'd accompany me.

We stuck flowers down the barrels of guns
with their eyes on you and me.
If only we could dive down those barrels
if only you'd accompany me.

Ba da bum bum, barrels of guns
with their fixed eyes on you and me.
Let's walk on our tightrope up to the sun,
please will you accompany me?

Talking shit about a pretty sunset.

I'm much too tired to put my thoughts in to any sort of sequential format. So bear with me as I speak in fragments.

What an overcast 4th of July.

Do you ever hate the caps lock button?

I wish I was a 60's folk singer in the Newport folk music festival: "You ask someone why they like strawberry shortcake, they just do."

The nice thing with wishing for things that probably won't come true is that the wishing is unlimited.

I wish I was there when they set the couch on fire.

Please please look up the Cold War Kids "Hang me up to Dry" music video (You HAVE to watch the video) and then, if you feel like crying, Hospital Beds by the same.

Is anything fun ever going to happen?

Parades are so boring and slightly awful in such a pretty little way. Or maybe it's the theory of parades that I love, which parades are never really like.

"I've changed my mind so much I can't even trust it

My mind changed me so much I can't even trust myself."

-Modest Mouse (title the same as this post)

I want to do and get what I want.

The fireworks oustide sound a little bit like bombs.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Blue you sit so pretty.


Miss Addy Baird- You are what I aspire to be when I grow up. Seriously, how did you get so incredibly COOL?
I wish I could be more like Addy Baird and I wish I had your hair/cleverness too.

BayBay Christensen- The nicest kid in town. Not to mention super smart, sexy, and a hardcore DI addict like me. We write poems and stuff.

Suds- Well, you always have a bag of fireworks and a lighter. So you're pretty much the best ever. You've got some sweeeet style and skills= parkour.

DSwens- ...takes bad a to a whole other level. We may or may not be in love. Also, you're fast and can I have your cool clothes?

All y'all are the best I could ask for. You will do great things.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

I didn't know what to say to myself, and I thought:

No one's going to love me if I keep crying like this.

Which, naturally, made me cry.

Remember this?
"And Lot's wife, of course, was told not to look back....But she did look back, and I love her for that, because it was so human. So she was turned to a pillar of salt. So it goes."

Because it was so human.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Outer space is the void that exists beyond any celestial body, including the Earth. It is not completely empty, but consists of a hard vacuum containing a low density of particles: predominantly a plasma of hydrogen and helium, as well as electromagnetic radiation, magnetic fields, and neutrinos. Theoretically, it also contains dark matter and dark energy.

"And what else is out there, beyond the solar system? Well, nothing and a great deal, depending on how you look at it."
-Bill Bryson

Have you ever tried to wrap your head around outer space? I like Mr Bryson's definition better, nothing and a great deal.

To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.

Lucy took the long way home.

You can find out nearly everything that needs be known about a new person by a number of first impression questions. You're introduced to someone and you subtly lay on them this series of questions which will, give or take, allow you to make a fairly good judgment moving forward.

Question #1 What's your favorite color?

Though a seemingly typical inquiry, favorite colors can reveal much about a person . Some may say "blue" or "green" or "yellow", while others elaborate "sky blue", "sea foam green", "mustard yellow." People can also be easily divided into the green/yellow or pink/red/purple families, with blue somewhere in the middle. The blue people are always extra tricky.

Question #2 What's your favorite book?

The real question hiding behind question #2 is "do you read?" There are readers and non-readers and a gap the size of Alaska in between.

Question #3 If you had a tattoo, what would it be and where?

Tattoo's are of relative importance and we can indirectly find through said question what the person finds important (or what they would like to display as important). Also, are they creative or do they want a butterfly on their right ankle?

Question #4 What is your middle name?

There is a slight difference between middle namers and those without. It's good to know a persons full name.

Question #5 What's your favorite jungle animal?

This question is all about how the subject answers, quickly or hesitantly. The coolest people always have an awesome jungle animal on the tip of their tongue.

People are generally easy to figure out, except for the ones really worth knowing. If you're lucky, after a million questions, you can ask "do you love me?"

Well, do you?